Over Fifty-Five ::

Older Lesbians: Finding Ms. Right

By Bonnie Osborn

BJ of San Francisco, petite, active, and 65 years old, greets new acquaintances with a twinkle in her eye and a lilt in her voice. Twice married to men, having raised two now adult-children mostly on her own, she works in a professional capacity for the state of California and spends many weekends leading hikes and bike rides for the local gay and lesbian Sierra Club group. She has been in several committed relationships over the years, including an 11-year relationship with a woman 19 years her senior. She recently ended an 18-month-long, monogamous relationship with a woman several years younger than she.

“I think there’s a good chance I will find another relationship,” she says, “but sometimes I tend to have major spaces between. And sometimes I am impatient, because even with the last one, I had hoped that it would be a ‘forever.’”

Hoping to broaden her circle, BJ recently began attending meetings called Women On Wednesdays (WOW), a women’s discussion and social group sponsored by her local gay and lesbian center that numbers ten to thirty women on any given occasion. She is hopeful that she will meet a woman who is a good fit. “Who knows who’s going to walk through the door?” she asks.

“Carole,” (not her real name) of Los Angeles, a trim, feminine, 66-year-old, admits she is discouraged about finding a lasting relationship. A former actress with a successful career in commercials and soap operas, she has always found it difficult to meet eligible women, despite her blonde, blue-eyed good looks. Over the years she has tried a lesbian dating service and singles ads in a gay publication only to find the experiences not only unproductive, but also extremely uncomfortable when her dates turned out to be very different from how they had represented themselves.

A couple of years ago, after a six-year hiatus, Carole became involved in a long-distance relationship with a beautiful, exciting but emotionally volatile woman. That relationship lasted a year. She has not dated since. But in a way, she says, because she cared enough to be hurt, the experience renewed her hope that she is still capable of falling in love. “At this point in my life, I’m not even sure what that is,” she says. “I still have this romantic idea of what love is. My parents were in love until they both died in their 90s. I still have this idea that I can have this sweet romantic relationship.”

As with heterosexual women, many single lesbians find dating or meeting eligible women becomes more challenging as they grow older. Some find women’s bars less appealing than they did when they were younger. Many of the women they meet at community events are in committed relationships, and sometimes it’s hard to pick out the single ones. “I wish women at gay and lesbian events would wear name tags, so you would know who is single and who is not,” says Carole.

And ageism, although perhaps not as prevalent among lesbians as it is among gay men, is nevertheless an inhibiting factor.

BJ realized she has strong feelings about age differences when she encountered a former partner who is now 84 years old. “Even though she’s still active, I have seen how much she ages,” BJ says. “I don’t want to be in that role and feel like I am restricting my partner. Ten years younger I could deal with.”

But despite the hurdles, many lesbians 50 and older are happily dating, often finding true love and happy ever-afters as well. And there are more venues in which to pursue the search than ever before.

Check out the World Wide Web.
Online dating services are ubiquitous, and for some people, some of the time, they lead to successful real-world relationships. If you have access to the Internet and have enough tech savvy to send an e-mail, this tool is available to you. The advantage over print ads is that it’s easier to get to know the other person; you can chat online for weeks if need be, until you are certain this is someone you want to meet for real. Or, if you and your online friend have access to video cameras and a little know-how, you can learn even more about one another before you attempt a physical meet-up.

As with placing a singles ad in a print publication, there are safety caveats: Create a separate e-mail address that you use only for your online search. Don’t reveal personal information such as your name and address until you feel confident that you can trust the other person. Be aware that the other person may misrepresent herself. If you decide to meet in person, meet in a safe, public location such as a restaurant, and let someone else know where you will be. Reputable dating sites publish a list of safety tips for users. Click on them, memorize them and follow them.

Some dating sites are open to people of any sexual orientation; others are targeted to the LGBT community. A recent quick survey of match.com, which is open to both straight and LGBT people, found a number of potential partners age 50 and up: An “average” woman, age 56, with two dogs, seeking a woman 45 to 60, likes to go barefoot. An athlete in the Senior Games, age 60, seeking women 50 to 65. Woman age 58, seeking women 50 to 64, to go dancing or for a twilight picnic on the beach. Woman age 61, friendly, educated, good taste, seeking women 55 to 85. Women are out there.

Find an adventure.
Once a bastion of settled lesbian couples, Olivia, which hosts all-lesbian ocean cruises and guided trips, is energetically expanding its singles programming. “Fifteen to twenty percent of our guests are solo, and that number is growing,” says Olivia CEO Amy Errett. Special singles-only events include dances, wine tastings and cocktail parties, sometimes featuring icebreaker activities like “solo-Twister.” “Humor and activity are always good ways to get people comfortable,” Errett says.

“Our trips aren’t billed as a dating mechanism,” Errett says. “What we do promise is the ability to feel like you have connected with people in a free and safe environment. I think that’s about friendship as much as romance, but I do think both things happen.”

Considerably less pricey than a cruise is Olivia’s new online social networking site (Olivia.com), launched in January, where women who have been on or are planning a trip, or those who have no interest in cruising at all, can meet and mingle online.

“For women in that over-40 age group, dating becomes more challenging,” Errett says. “They are more into careers, they don’t go to the bars as much. The traditional outlets are not as effective because those don’t fit into their lives. That’s why we’re doing this.

“Most people meet through their friends. That is very consistent with the Olivia brand, which is all about community.”

Get involved.
Be yourself, participate in activities you love, and get involved in something larger than yourself—all are age-old nostrums for meeting potential partners. They are still relevant today because, for many people, they still work.

Shaba Barnes, 70, of Albuquerque, New Mexico, serves as co-director of OLOC (Older Lesbians Organizing for Change, a national organization established in 1991 to combat ageism and to celebrate the lives of “old lesbians,” as members identify themselves. One must be 60 to join OLOC. Today the organization has branches in several cities.

“A lot of lesbians themselves have internalized ageism,” Barnes says. “Sometimes the perception is we get to a certain age, and that’s all there is. It’s only when we come together we realize, we still have those feelings, desires and needs. Things we don’t feel comfortable talking about with younger people, we can say it. We have been there.”

OLOC holds national gatherings in a different city and state every other year. “Dating is actually not our purpose; our purpose is to educate, to celebrate our lives together,” Barnes says. “But meeting people is one of the fringe benefits for sure. It’s really wonderful because just seeing so many old lesbians coming to the gathering, many for the first time, some who go through a lot of challenges to get there, and they meet someone. A lot of relationships have happened. Some of those relationships are still going today. Sometimes it’s just a friendship opportunity. To me, it’s like another dimension for old lesbians.”

Ellen Zimmerman, now age 66, met Melanie Jones, now age 48, eight years ago, when both volunteered as facilitators for a lesbian chat group in Los Angeles. “It was love at first sight,” Ellen says. “I had been single for over five years. I saw her, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her, and it’s been that way ever since.” Ellen is white and Jewish; Melanie is African-American and Buddhist. After dating for five years, the two celebrated their union in a ceremony performed by a Jewish Rabbi and a Buddhist monk. Both women wore purple gowns and danced the night away with family and friends. In September they celebrated their third anniversary.

“I was hesitant because of the difference in our ages, our backgrounds, our family ties,” Ellen says. “I had never dated anyone younger than me, ever. This just happened. She was like a peer; we think on the same level, believe the same things, enjoy the same things…. The difference in our ages was merely chronological; everything else just fell into place.”